Wednesday, July 16, 2008


I think my Gran is my favorite older person. I have learned to avoid the word "senior" because of its relation to "elder and senior abuse" in the media of late. The phrase older person still relates them to being a person, and not some relic that's placed on the fringe of society because they can't keep up. Gran can sure keep up. She keeps up with people so religiously that my mom has had a cell phone for about two years and still hasn't given Gran the number. Gran can be intense.

Gran's name is Vera, and she has been alone since November '05 when Grampa died. It took her a little trying to get the wheels turning again after that. With the house a literal firestarter, full of Grampa's old school books and sports almanacs and encyclopedias and out of print religious literature, she has since been trying to clean out the house of all this almost completely unsalvageable reservoir of paper. Where I just lost 3 grandparents in the last 30 months, I can understand with no problem at all that you can't just immediately remove someone like that from your life and move on with no problem. Much is the same with breaking up from a relationship with someone you loved dearly. Gran didn't just go nose to the grindstone and start moving out boxes and boxes of books to the dump. She went through each one with the timid fervor of one who was recanting every fun time, every cute little relic or picture, every cubic ounce of love and memories shared with this partner of 50-odd years. After feeling the opportunity to be with someone I loved (and still love) shrivel and die, and thinking that I'm the lonely one, I can find comfort knowing that Gran is doing something that takes a lot of courage; closing out her life on her own steam. I know that's all it amounts to anyway... all you ever really have is yourself... but a companion can be the greatest treasure and the desire that fills your heart and makes you forget about ever feeling lonely.

I just talked with Gran this afternoon and she is in as sarcastic and good spirits as she can be. That while having a broken down washing machine and random beggars coming to her door. How Gran makes sense of the world is a reminder of how much potential I have to make my life a very happy one. She absolutely cherishes the friendships she has left in her life, in her family, and in her past. I haven't met half the people I will meet in my life, and I know there is a lot of opportunity for me to find someone who understands my need to belong to someone else. Maybe my feelings that linger in this most recent relationship are just the prologue to a really sweet and true friendship. I have gotten past dwelling on repairing what part was broken, and am now more interested in which parts still work. *hugs for B when you find this*

I love you Gran~

Friday, July 11, 2008


I met Evan in 2006 when I started working at a great little Greek place in the Midtown Plaza food court called Opa! Souvlaki Of Greece. He and I spent the next 12 months embracing each of our (friendly) regulars at the kitchen, learning the secrets behind each one of our rivaling kitchens, regretably becoming informed on our gay boss' attempts at relationships, and telling some of the most unrepeatable jokes known to young men anywhere. The opportunity arose in March of 2007 to join forces at a different employer - Harden & Huyse Chocolates. We both understandably defected the Greek place, finding ourselves (sometimes scrambling to be) learning how to craft chocolates while listening to the most tedious collection of classic love songs on MAGIC98.3FM. Harry, our chief chocolatier who hails from Singapore, piously fuels our day with a consistent dose of Bryan Adams (at least 3 a day), Chilliwack, Michael Buble, and Barenaked Ladies. I have learned over this time working with him, however, that this is only to harness his and our senses of humor. After 200 listens to Colbie Callait "Bubbly", one can either scowl in paramount disgust or chuckle to oneself that "yeah, it could be worse... I could be that dj who also has no choice but to listen every day... but who also has to make it sound like a "hot new song" every other time. Brutal job.
I kinda took Evan under my "wing" when his dad died while we worked together at Opa!. I thought at the time about what it would be like losing my dad, and how we haven't yet had a good chance to spend time with each other on some kind of friends level. So Evan became the person I made the most effort to be a good friend to. Once I could see that he was getting back on his feet again I think we made a concious decision to make every day at work together really zany and hilarious. Things could be really dreary working for two and a half years with the same guy but not with Evan. I'm not sure we connect on a lot of levels; since he is a skater and I am a musician, our conversations sometimes make as much sense to each other as a hot dog vendor parking right outside the sally-ann. But I have gotten him interested in bands like Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and oddly, Rush somewhat. He's a great friend, simply for putting up with all my strange idiosyncrasies and musical rants. I rarely get the chance to hang out with him after work, since we live on separate ends of town and riding the bus in this city can take an hour and a half to get from end to end. I can't say I'd want to work with anyone else as closely, as we've gotten pretty deep into each others lives from just chatting on the job. Evan, I love you buddy and I hope you find something that makes you happy.
Readers, you may want to refill yer teacups. I'm feeling a groove here.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Band Forming & Heart Mending

Jupiter Moon Landing. Translator. Elliptical.
Just a few band names circling my brain from above like vultures waiting to pick at the song ideas lying scattered on the ground. Tonight I got together with my drummer friend Tyler, who has been trying to start a band with me for over a year now, and a gent we met thru one of those music ads at the music store named Steve. Steve lives out in Yorkton, which is about three hours from Saskatoon, which suggests that he is VERY interested. His style is tightly woven around the Goo Goo Dolls right now, in a way that resembles a 15 yr old girl newly discovering makeup. He's not very explorative of things outside a traditional melodic rock approach to songwriting, but all the same he presents a very solid representation of just that. We wrote a song tonight, just the three of us playing drums and two guitars, which I thought was great; Steve thought we should have just done it with acoustics because it was way too grungy and loud. Steve's 19. Everything to this kid seems "too heavy" or "too dark". Just wait until you break up from a meaningful relationship Steve... heavy will have its place all too soon. So on top of that project, I have been carefully grooming one or two song ideas. Nothing new, formed and finished yet though. Not since Just Within Reach.
I wrote Just Within Reach in humble appreciation of my (now freshly ex-)girlfriend. I've since had the epiphany that, if she herself filled her very busy life too full, and if I was the part that she chose to jettison, then she is cut out for acting after all... just not honest relationships. I remember her coming to tears over a friend who was sent to Afghanistan, and when I tried offering my guitar playing as a comforter to her, she begged me never to enlist. Now where I have considered enlisting recently just to spite her, I admit the thought was fleeting. Also I remember her coming home late late one night after the staff had been short, and myself worrying she had been in some lethal car accident or had been attacked somewhere. (This worry came from my finding out the Adult Store just next to the store she works at had been broken into and held up with a sawed-off shotgun in March - anything can happen in this boring old town) She told me soothingly that I would never lose her, only now I know that she was caught up in some kind of cosmic wave of acting. If there had been any honest bone in her body, she would have related to the complete and honest adoration I showed her when we were together and become happy reciprocating that love. But apparently being in a musical can serve as a great excuse to dismember a mere appendage like me. *sigh* What's done is done. I suppose a broken heart every now and then can only strengthen me. B, if you read this, just know that you hurt me in a way that I still don't understand completely and probably won't forgive you for... probably.
I miss you Kat~ I know yer probably the only one reading this and so *big hugs and snuggles* when you find this. Knowing you care so much has helped my heart mend itself this past week. That and the band forming thing.

Readers dispurse! There will be more but not for a while.